Innocence, Innocence
by inelegantprose
Summary: Leia's old wounds resurface unexpectedly when home alone with Ben. Upon his return, it's up to Han to knit things back together. Content Note: Sexual Violence.


_In the same universe of V/I, but not part of the piece itself. Thanks for the support on Tumblr – this piece is essentially the same as the one posted serially there._

Innocence, Innocence

He may be the one person in their little family without the Force but he could sense something was up the minute he got through the door. Or – entryway, entry-tube, whatever, he hadn't yet adjusted to their new house – quarters, as Leia called them, never wanting to move in anywhere, military Leia. New house, new planet. Same old, same old.

Same old, same old – except not so much, because of the anxious, uncomfortable vibe when he stepped in. It's not like he was expecting some big greeting – he wasn't, Ben was too old for that and if Leia had time to fawn he'd prefer she spent that time with a nap – but no matter what homes they'd lived in it had never felt like this. "M'back…" Han called, slinging his bag off his shoulder and onto the floor with a clatter. Nothing – and she wasn't in her little office either, the curtained off section of the living room full of stacks of datapads. Not in their bedroom either – damn these quarters were close, all these places just paces from one another – and Ben's door was closed shut, ever since thirteen last month he'd started taking these long afternoon naps after school and Han knew better than to interrupt. That left…

"Hello there, you – you're home early," Leia said, wiping her hands on a rag and kissing him quickly then returning to the dish on the counter. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in – I've been in my head…"

"Are you – _cooking_?" Han asked, raising his eyebrows. She never cooked, practically as a rule – when she and Ben were at home just the two of them, which wasn't often, the two just ordered takeout, usually the most exotic thing they could find, sharing a love of the strange cuisines that had marked Ben's childhood as Leia bounced from post to post. But here it looked like she was cooking – attempting – Ben's favorite dish, one that Han usually made – an old comfort casserole from when he was small, really small. Weeping over a bad mark in class – gods, Han couldn't imagine crying over such a thing, least of all at seven, but Leia was unsurprised – or else a stern word from a teacher, Leia had had language and Han had had flights up in the Falcon, and food.

"Trying to," Leia said, giving a half smile. She looked – tired, real tired, more than she usually did – her hair was in more bun than braid, and her makeup looked like yesterday's. "Somehow the consistency appears to be all wrong…"

"Well, lemme see if I can't help a bit," Han said. "Y'alright? You seem…"

"I'm fine. Your trip was productive?"

"Secured the arms deal, yep. Y'gonna stop sending me out to do your dirty work anytime soon, princess?"

"Not if you keep handing it so successfully," she teased, but her voice was hollow.

"Kiddo sleepin'?"

"I would assume so."

"Haven't seen him?"

Leia shook her head a little. "I was in my office when he came in, I called after him but he went straight to his room. That must've been a few hours ago?"

"What happened, huh?"

"We had – there was a bit of an incident last night," she confessed quietly.

"You two fight?"

"Not like that."

"Incident how?"

"I – I think we've just decided to move beyond it…"

"Leia."

She swallowed seriously. "Last night – I fell asleep reading in bed, I didn't take my medication – with my glasses on too, rather silly – and I suppose the unfamiliar location, your absence, the date's proximity…"

"You okay? I didn't realize it was gettin' close to that time of year – fuck – sweetheart––"

"I'm fine, I'm perfectly fine. But I – well. I had a nightmare. Ah, an ugly one."

"Same old same old?"

"Same old same old," she affirmed, shutting her eyes, and he felt his chest ache with pity for her. "And – I suppose I was crying out, loudly… and Ben was very alarmed – do you remember, as a child? When he would cry out whenever I did – how he would cry and cry…"

"Yeah, I remember," he murmured, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind and ducking to kiss her hair.

"He – well. You know, under all that newfound teenage surliness – he's such a sweet boy, he really is. He heard me – I suppose I was screaming, if I'm being totally frank – he heard me, and he – sweet, sweet boy – ran right into our room, right up to the bed – grabbed my shoulders and I…" She shook her head again, biting hard on her lip. "I wasn't awake, I was being grabbed and I…" She shut her eyes and with a flick of her wrist indicated a slapping movement – he sucked in a breath instinctively. "I can hardly function today, Han – I've never felt so terrible."

"S'not your fault – you'd never do somethin' like that on purpose, never."

"My guilt aside," Leia exhaled heavily, "that isn't the point. My point is – I'm worried about _him_ – I worry – I don't want him to feel like – I don't know. I'm sure he must be – I mean…"

"Not mad at you. I know that kid – he worships the ground you walk on, you two are inseparable, surprised he wasn't ending up in our bed whole time I was gone."

"I want him – I want him to know… that he can rely on me – I don't want him to think… I don't know…"

"He knows that. Whole _galaxy_ knows that."

"He must be very distressed – children aren't supposed to see their parents in such a way, much less be hurt by them…"

" _You're_ his mom. Tellin' you – you're his mom, _all_ of you, and you're an amazing mom, and even if that means you've got a past that doesn't make you any less of an amazing mom––"

"I'm telling you Han, this isn't about me – it's about _him,_ I'm worried about _him_."

"What's your worry, then? Huh? Tell me and I'll fix it."

"I worry he – I just never wanted him to see any of that. I worry that makes him feel – unsafe, destabilized. But most of all I worry he – well. I think he might have questions. I was wondering – I think we should talk to him together. Or you should – I don't know. It isn't like I think he needs details – I just feel – feel he deserves answers. He's part of this family too – I just don't want him to be – confused, or scared."

"Hey," he said, giving her a crooked half smile. "Thing is? He's thirteen. Most of his thoughts these days are all about to him, him, him. It'll blow over."

It wasn't the right thing to say, that was immediately clear from the way her face collapsed. "He would become so upset as a child," she murmured. "Even in the morning, he would be able to tell I'd had a bad dream… he would say _Mama you've been crying, I know you cried_. _Why'd you cry?_ He's perceptive and very sensitive – I have to believe he wouldn't feel totally immune to seeing my suffering now."

"S'not what I meant, it was just a joke. 'Course he _cares_."

"Even if he didn't – I've hurt him."

"He's young, he'll bounce back. That's why we'll talk, alright."

"Han," she said in a low, anxious voice. "I _hit_ him."

"Didn't hit him, s'not – 've _been_ hit, Leia, that's not what it means to be hit."

"I imagine to him it counts! He's hardly had more than a stern word directed his way in terms of discipline – and this wasn't even discipline it was…" She shook her head, overcome again.

"Leia. I promise you. It's gonna be alright," he assured her, kissing the top of her head.

"What if we have a girl?" she asked suddenly. "Would I – would there be a moment where she was sat down and made to know about the particular dangers that exist – I wouldn't want Ben to know details but isn't that a privilege – it was one of my aunts who spoke to me about I believe self-defense…"

"… have, Your Worship?" he asked slowly, his eyes moving over her carefully – she did seem more emotional––

"Have, have had – slip of the tongue, you know what I mean," she said, waving her hand. "I'm thirty-seven, Han," she added meaningfully.

"That's not too old."

"It feels terribly old."

"You're telling me," he said, kissing her temple and sighing. "Now let's see if this meal is salvageable, alright?"

Things didn't go quite as planned. Or rather, it's more that it became clear to Han that the two of them talking to Ben together was maybe – not the right move, after all. She just still seemed – fragile about the whole thing. Desperate to just apologize and make everything okay, to be able to just embrace him again. Less eager to make things alright in the long term. He thought that there was a serious risk of her becoming – weepy. She'd call that sexist, but – it was weepy, it _was_.

So instead, a few minutes before dinner would be ready, he knocked on Ben's door. "Hey, it's me – c'I come in?"

"Come in…"

When he did, Ben was curled up under one of his blankets, one that Luke had made – reading, as per usual. Despite that sullen look, he still lit up just a bit, smiling and trying to hide his smile, hugging him.

"When'd you get back?"

"Little bit ago," Han said, ruffling Ben's shaggy hair. "Your mom said you were asleep, didn't wanna disturb."

"Sorry," Ben said sheepishly. There was something about him Han couldn't stop finding so funny, so sweet – the way even when he was so lanky and gangly, he still couldn't help but curling around himself, lying all weird ways, upside down and backwards and contorted and cramped. "Did it all go good? The mission?"

"Sure, easy as pie. Missed you a lot, though. You and your mom."

Ben squirreled away a little more into his blanket, as if hiding under all that softness. "Missed you too."

Han let that sentiment sit for a moment, taking in the silence before saying slowly, "So. Your mom told me a little bit about what happened last night."

Further squirreling, so all he could see was a little flash of that nervous pale face.

"What it's worth," Han added, leaning back and trying to keep casual. "'Preciate you running in there. Hear her cry out? Runnin' in like that? Good on you." He nudged him with his elbow a bit. "When m'not around you're the man of this place."

Ben wrinkled his nose. "That's sexist," he mumbled, so Leia-like it made his chest ache.

"You know what I mean. Not your job to look out for her but 'preciate it nonetheless. You got a good head on your shoulders. Care about your mom, huh?"

"Yeah," Ben whispered a little.

"Said she was pretty worried about you."

"Mom is?"

"Worried you're worried."

"I just don't get it," Ben confessed in a soft voice. "Why Mom was screaming like that."

"Yeah," Han agreed, rubbing Ben's shoulder a little. He cleared his throat. "You uh. You know – all that stuff, before you were born…"

"The war," Ben acknowledged, furrowing his brow. "Yeah."

"Sometimes – y'know, when bad stuff happens – sometimes it has a way of stickin' with you."

"I know what PTSD is, Dad," Ben mumbled.

Han jerked a little. "Where the hell you get a term like that?" _PTSD_ – even Leia avoided language like that, even Leia's _psychiatrists_ did.

"School," Ben said, shrugging a little. "The war. Health class."

"Health class," Han muttered, shaking his head. "Hells."

"Does Mom have PTSD?" Ben asked, blinking and unshy, genuine.

"What?"

"From the war."

"… Yeah," Han admitted after a moment. "I guess – I guess you could say that. She's got – some baggage, some trauma. But uh – normally she takes – takes some meds, keep that at bay. Didn't yesterday. So…"

"Do you have PTSD?"

"I don't – uh. I don't think so, wouldn't call it that."

"But you fought in the war."

"Different people, different constitutions, y'know."

"What about Uncle Luke or Lando?"

"… not really, not in the same exact way. I mean, they might though, people are private 'bout this kinda thing."

"It's not really my business," Ben said solemnly.

"No no, not that – just – your mom's just – y'know, she's a special person."

"She's tough."

"Yeah."

"That's why I asked though, just 'cause – no offense Dad, but if you don't have it and Uncle Luke doesn't but you all fought together – and she's tougher than you both."

"'Scuse me," Han said mock offended. "But you know – y'know, your mom's been through – the war was different for us all, that kinda thing."

"Because of Alderaan," Ben said sagely. "And having to watch – they hurt her, too."

 _Sure, let's go with that._ "Yeah. They did hurt her."

Was that a lie? What was he supposed to say – sure as hell didn't feel appropriate to talk about Jabba's or god forbid say the word rape – but was that, dunno, enforcing some – idea of shame or whatever? Like it was too dirty to discuss?

"She said – when she – she said 'don't touch me!' Because she thought I was gonna hurt her, I guess? Like they did?"

"Guess so," Han said, his chest constricting. "Think – now that you're a little bigger, y'know, that big growth spurt this year – makes it easier to not realize you're just her little boy." He cleared his throat – that thought, that she'd mistaken – too awful to bear. "An' y'know, she's awfully small. So everyone looks big to her."

"I guess," Ben allowed, giving a sad half-smile.

"You know your mom loves you very much," Han said after clearing his throat. "You're her whole damn world. You know that."

"Yeah, Dad," Ben said, flushing and frowning. "I know."

He resisted the urge to grin at the unintentional echo. "Well good. Now – you – um. Hm. Your mom wants you to know – if you have questions… you have questions?"

"Not _really_ …" Ben said, squirming again.

"Yeah, I know. It's a little awkward. Little scary, huh?" Han offered sympathetically, if awkwardly, knowing it's what Leia would want – try to get him to open up a little, same way he knew Ben often opened up to Leia.

It backfired, and Ben's eyes flashed. "I'm not _scared_ of _Mom_ ," Ben insisted urgently. _Kid's loyal as hell to her, wonder where he got that from?_

"Hey now, s'not what I said," Han said, putting up his hands. "I'd never say that. Situation's scary, s'all. Middle of the night and shouting, just you and your mom, that kinda thing. S'all I meant by it."

"That's not the kind of thing that scares _me_ ," Ben declared indignantly, and Han wanted to beam at him – _that's right, that's my kid_ – but knew that's just about the opposite of what Leia would want – Leia'd say he _was_ scared, just didn't feel like he could admit – would say all his macho _Solos ain't scared of nothing_ business is what made him reluctant to share his feelings – as far as Han was concerned Ben was the least reluctant to share his feelings teenage boy he'd ever known, but…

 _But he's a child, Han,_ Leia would say. _He's only a teenager in the way I'm five feet tall – technically._

But Leia wasn't here – Leia was his co-parent not _the_ parent – Leia'd want him to say _hitting is wrong under all circumstances_ which of course was _true_ but not what Ben needed right now, it's not like Ben was suddenly gonna go around slapping people as a result, he didn't _need_ to be made to feel like his mom was a bad person – right?

"I guess…" Ben was beginning, frowning. "I guess just – what to do? If it happens again or something? What should I do?"

 _Yep, this is exactly what Leia was worried about._ "S'not gonna happen again, Ben," Han said firmly. "She skipped a med dose, that's all."

This is exactly what Leia was worried about, Ben feeling like he now was responsible for her, that she wouldn't be the parent anymore – but also – also – … Ben _was_ getting older now, was it so wrong to – the fact that Leia had had such a bad turn, that worried Han – and was it so wrong to want to arm Ben with some skills if it happened again? For both their sakes but, if he was being honest with himself, yes for Leia's… if he couldn't be there to soothe her wouldn't he want… the way that old Rebel doctor had trained him with all those breathing exercises and shit, all those years ago…

He wasn't a little kid anymore. When _Han_ was thirteen…

Wrong thinking. Definitely wrong thinking. Not what Leia would want. Leia was counting on him. Leia wanted Ben to get to be a kid as long as possible. Leia wanted…

Leia also enjoyed _her_ and Ben being peas in a pod, and yeah she was his mom and the person who kissed his skinned knees, but he was growing up.

"I didn't know Mom took medicine."

"It's her – private business. Not that – not 'cause there's something wrong with it. Just – just a personal thing. Don't go blabbing to your friends now. Not 'cause – just – it's just private. She don't want people to get the wrong idea, s'all."

"What's the wrong idea?"

"It's – it's just complicated, junior, yeah?"

"Don't call me that," Ben said automatically – there it was again, that Leia-like wrinkle in his nose – _would you stop calling me that!_ "… Dad?"

"Yes, _Ben_?"

"… do you take medicine?"

"No, Ben."

"… are you gonna get PTSD?"

"S'not really how it works."

"Yeah, but are you?"

"Nah, Ben. I don't think so,"

"… okay."

There was something about the way he said it that made Ben suddenly seem to shrink to being just a little boy again – too small to shoulder any of this – it wasn't a burden, but it was… something. "You know you can always count on me, yeah? And that's true of your mom, too." _Still true._

"… You really think it won't happen again?"

"Really worried if it does, huh?"

Ben shrugged a little.

"I don't think it will. Think it's a bit of a fluke this time. But if it does – y'know. I'll be here. Been looking after your mom for a long time, not planning to quit now."

"Good," Ben said seriously.

"Er – not that she can't look after herself."

But Ben didn't seem to pick up on that. "I went right in when I heard her, Dad. I jumped out of bed."

"That so?"

"Yeah – I ran right in and I know where she keeps her blaster, too. 'Cause at first I thought it's an intruder."

"You know, the official line from your mother is that if you think there's an intruder you hide and call for help."

"But the unofficial line from my father?"

"Think there's an intruder and hide. You ain't as hot with a blaster as you think and you're no Jedi yet. But unofficially unofficially?"

"Unofficially unofficially?"

"Proud your instinct was to run right in. But again – parental directive, hide from intruder. And if you think it's a night terror – and it _won't_ happen again and if it does I'll be here – but just so I can tell your mom I told you what she said to tell you – she wouldn't want you to come in, not right away. She'd be worried she'd – you know." He made a _thwacking_ sound. "Again."

"I'm bigger than her now, Dad."

"Yeah I know, that's what she's – listen. That really shook her up. She probably wants me to tell you all about how hitting is wrong – you know that, right?"

"Duh. And she didn't hurt me or anything. I'm not _fragile_."

"Yeah. I know."

"It was just…" Ben shrugged and burrowed into his blankets. "Weird."

"Surprised you found it unfamiliar then, you big weirdo," Han said, elbowing the curled up teenager and causing him to groan.

There was a knock on the door, and Ben used the Force to lazily flick it open.

There she was, wearing a worried smile, her expression tired and hopeful, that messy braided bun, those hands that still shook involuntarily after all these years. "Dinner's ready," she said after a moment, giving them another worried, searching, look.

Ben came out of his blanket cocoon and gave her one of those _looks_ the two of them were forever exchanging – this time, beseeching and apologetic and needing her.

It took her about a second to rush over to his side and throw her arms around him, resting her chin on the top of his head and embracing him tightly and rocking him back and forth. "Your mama's so sorry," she was whispering, kissing his hair. " _So_ sorry – it won't ever, ever happen again – never again baby, I'm so sorry…"

Han shut his eyes for a second – she didn't have to be _sorry_ , she hadn't done anything _wrong_ , she wasn't a bad _person –_ but he kept those feelings inside for now.

"I love you so so much, more than anything in the world, I'm so sorry…"

"Mo-om," Ben groaned. "You're being gu-ushy…"

"I reserve every right to be gushy – you're my only child, I'll be as gushy as I like," she insisted, holding him tighter, and over the top of his head she was mouthing to Han, _thank you._

Preparing for bed that night, she looked at her pills before taking them and sighed, "I wish there was something I could take to instantly alleviate guilt."

"He's not mad at you, sweetheart," Han promised. "He was just confused, that's all."

"Even if a wrong isn't recognized as such, it's still a wrong."

"But you didn't do anything wrong."

"I hit my child, Han," she said, methodically removing her hairpins. "I made him feel fear."

"You didn't do it on purpose!"

"It's not about intent, it's about effect," Leia said simply.

"Sweetheart, you had a – what's the – right – _brief hallucinatory episode induced by post-traumatic night terrors_ – you didn't _have_ intent, you weren't _capable_ of intent!"

"Then why do I still feel so guilty?" she asked, hanging up her worn blue silky robe, that first thing she'd bought after the war, then collapsing onto their bed. "I suppose it'll pass with time…"

"It'll pass," he agreed. "Don't dwell on it, baby. And if things get bad again…"

"Han."

"If things get bad again you'd tell me, yeah? So we could go back to the doctor?"

"Yes, yes, stop fussing. The point is: I must be much stricter about those pills, Han, I can't ever forget again."

"No more late nights then?" he teased half-heartedly, rubbing the back of his neck. _Are things getting bad again?_

"I'll just take them earlier. That's what I'll do. I'll set an alarm for the same time each night." She gave another shuddering sigh. "I just want to do better. I want to be doing my best."

"You are the best, sweetheart."

"Oh, shut up you sappy yes-man," she said, hitting with him a pillow and smiling, and that's when it spilled out of his mouth without thought.

"Maybe we should have another baby," Han said suddenly, contemplatively.

Leia rolled over onto her stomach, raising her eyebrows as high as they could get. "Of all things to say, Han!"

"Was just a thought, don't get your panties in a bunch." He shrugged a little, poking her side. "Wouldn't be the worst thing though, yeah? If it happened by accident?"

"Is there something _you'd_ like to tell me, Han?" she teased, but her expression was totally lost. "Han. Honestly. Didn't we just review how old I am?"

"Yeah, and how old does that make _me_?" he retorted. "It's not a real thing, relax. Just – thinkin' about how fast this one's growing up is all. Wouldn't mind having a little one."

"What, _instead_?" she said, snorting, but she nodded after a moment. "No, I know what you mean. He's not so innocent anymore."

"He's big," Han said neutrally, or how he hoped was neutrally, but she covered her face with her hands.

"Han – do you _know_ ," she gasped behind them, "how it _feels_ to mistake my _child_ for one of my rapists? My _baby?"_

"Shh… hey there," Han said, reaching for her hand, but she shrugged him away instantly.

"He's a baby – he's a little boy…"

"Yeah but he's not, sweetheart, that's the thing."

"He just turned thirteen. _Just_."

"He was worried about you 'cause he cares about you, not 'cause he thinks his world will end if you're not alright – you didn't pull the rug out from under him that we aren't perfect, think he knows that by now, he's not a little kid."

"He _is_ a little kid – he's _my_ little kid. And I've forced him to grow up awfully fast and I just––"

"He doesn't know – he thinks it's Alderaan, princess, that's it," Han said in a low voice, and she laughed a broken laugh.

"What if – gods forbid – what about some – awful kid at school – or what if – some awful – when he's older, when he's not so little – he's a _boy_ – 'celebrity sex pics' nonsense – on the holonet – it just makes me want to weep!

"'When he's older,'" Han echoed skeptically without thinking, trying to lighten things up for a second––

" _Excuse_ me?"

"Aw c'mon Lei, all those 'long naps' in his room after school?"

"Ugh, _Han_ , he's a _baby_ ––!"

"He's thirteen!"

"So, what? So you think he just – jerks off, watches porn – say these things to me about my baby, fine then what, what will I do, what will I do if––"

"Hey, hey," Han said, kissing her hair urgently. "Don't cry, I was just joking––"

"What if – I know – I want to die, thinking about that––"

"Listen to me," he said, swallowing the sick, disgusted feeling in his stomach, be the grown-up. "You have any real reason to believe there are holos? Recordings?"

"No," she confessed. "No – but – I just…"

"I know this don't help right now," he said slowly, firmly, "But I think you're being paranoid. I think you're really, really anxious and scared for a lotta other reasons and you're spinnin' out the worst case scenario. And believe me, sweetheart, I agree – that is the _worst case scenario_. Alright? S'the very worst I can imagine. I'm with you. But that's – I don't think that's real, Lei, I really don't – I just – I don't know if – can't believe things like that can happen. Can't."

"After all the horrors we've been through?" she managed, laughing a little, that choking, crying sound.

"Kid made me a sap I guess. Like you said."

"And now you want another one. By the time it'd be born, you'd be so gooey I'd need to carry you around in a cup."

"Think I just want some of that innocence back," Han confessed, stroking her hair. "Both him. An' us, too."

"When were we so innocent, hm?" she asked softly.

"Oh, after the war, maybe," Han offered, sighing. "Thought everything would be healed with the treaties, all that."

"We _were_ naive enough to get pregnant ASAP."

"Hey. Speak for yourself."

"You played a role, as I recall."

"Yeah, but you were the young, optimistic one who said – what was it you said? Holding that stupid pee-stick, looking up at me. _We can have anything now, they can't take anything from us anymore._ Something like that."

"You remembered?"

"'Course I did." He kissed her hair, sighing. "Start of the rest of my life. How'm I supposed to forget a thing like that?"

"Was that really us?" she said, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Sure it was."

"We were so optimistic?"

"Had to be. Wouldn't've made it through otherwise." He squeezed her hand. "We'll get through this too, same as we do always."

"Same as always," she echoed, and he could see it in her gentle smile – confidence, and relief.


End file.
